Biblical Forgiveness -

By PM Kimbler

The Church Got Forgiveness Wrong

Biblical forgiveness is one of the most misunderstood doctrines in the modern church. We’ve been taught that forgiveness means letting people hurt you repeatedly without consequences. That it means pretending the offense never happened. That it requires immediate reconciliation regardless of whether the other person repents. That withholding forgiveness from an unrepentant abuser makes you bitter and unforgiving. That “forgive and forget” is biblical. That you’re sinning if you set boundaries with someone who hurt you.

None of that is biblical. That’s not forgiveness. That’s enabling. It’s codependency dressed up as Christianity. It’s a twisted version of grace that protects abusers and punishes victims. It keeps people trapped in toxic relationships because they’re told that leaving or setting boundaries means they haven’t truly forgiven. It’s destroyed families, enabled abuse, and turned forgiveness into a weapon used against the wounded.

The church needs to stop teaching cheap forgiveness and start teaching what the Bible actually says. Real forgiveness is costly. It’s conditional. It requires repentance. It doesn’t erase consequences. It doesn’t mean trust is automatically restored. It doesn’t require you to stay in relationship with someone who refuses to change. Biblical forgiveness is powerful, but it’s not what most Christians think it is.

What Forgiveness Actually Is

Forgiveness is the decision to release someone from the debt they owe you because of the wrong they committed. It’s choosing not to seek revenge. It’s entrusting justice to God instead of taking it into your own hands. It’s letting go of bitterness and hatred. It’s refusing to let the offense define your life. That’s forgiveness. It’s powerful. It’s healing. It’s necessary.

However, forgiveness is not reconciliation. It’s not trust. It’s not pretending the offense didn’t happen. It’s not removing consequences. It’s not staying in relationship with someone who’s unrepentant. Forgiveness deals with your heart. Reconciliation requires both people.

Colossians 3:13 says, “Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” Notice it says “forgive as the Lord forgave you.” How does God forgive? Conditionally. Based on repentance. I John 1:9 says, “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.” If we confess. That’s a condition. God doesn’t forgive unconfessed, unrepented sin. Neither should you be required to.

The Repentance Requirement

Luke 17:3-4 is one of the clearest passages on forgiveness, yet it’s constantly ignored. Jesus said, “If your brother or sister sins against you, rebuke them; and if they repent, forgive them. Even if they sin against you seven times in a day and seven times come back to you saying ‘I repent,’ you must forgive them.” Notice what comes before forgiveness. Repentance. Jesus said if they repent, forgive them. He didn’t say forgive them whether they repent or not.

This destroys the modern teaching that you must forgive everyone immediately regardless of whether they’ve repented. That’s not what Jesus taught. Repentance comes first. If someone sins against you and refuses to repent, you’re not required to forgive them. You’re required to release bitterness and entrust justice to God, but you don’t owe them forgiveness while they’re still actively sinning against you.

The parable of the unmerciful servant in Matthew 18 shows a servant who was forgiven a massive debt but refused to forgive a small one. People use this to say you must forgive everyone. However, the servant in the parable came before the king and begged for mercy. He repented. That’s why he was forgiven. The person he refused to forgive also came and begged. He repented too. The point isn’t that you forgive people who refuse to repent. The point is that when someone genuinely repents, you extend the same mercy you’ve received from God.

What Forgiveness Is Not

Forgiveness is not trust. Trust is earned. It’s rebuilt over time through consistent repentance and changed behavior. You can forgive someone who hurt you and never trust them again. That’s not unforgiveness. That’s wisdom. Proverbs 26:11 says, “As a dog returns to its vomit, so fools repeat their folly.” If someone has a pattern of hurting you, repenting, and doing it again, you’re not required to trust them just because you forgave them. Forgiveness releases the debt. Trust requires proof of change.

Forgiveness is not removing consequences. If someone steals from you, you can forgive them and still press charges. If someone abuses you, you can forgive them and still leave. If someone slanders you, you can forgive them and still correct the record. Galatians 6:7 says, “Do not be mocked: God is not mocked. A man reaps what he sows.” Sin has consequences. Forgiveness doesn’t erase them.

Forgiveness is not staying in relationship. You can forgive someone and set boundaries. You can forgive someone and walk away. You can forgive someone and never speak to them again. The modern church treats this like unforgiveness, but it’s not. It’s protection. Proverbs 22:3 says, “The prudent see danger and take refuge, but the simple keep going and pay the penalty.” If someone is dangerous, toxic, or abusive, you can remove yourself even if you’ve forgiven them.

Forgiveness is not “forgive and forget.” That phrase isn’t in the Bible. God says in Jeremiah 31:34, “I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more.” That doesn’t mean God has amnesia. It means He won’t hold it against us. He won’t bring it up to condemn us. However, consequences still exist. You can forgive someone and still remember what they did. Memory protects you from being hurt again. Forgetting is not required.

The Burden the Church Places on Victims

The church’s twisted teaching on forgiveness places an unbearable burden on victims. Women are told to forgive abusive husbands and stay in marriages that endanger them. Children are told to forgive parents who molested them and maintain relationship. People are told that if they don’t immediately forgive someone who hurt them, they’re bitter and in sin. The person who was wronged is now the one being accused of sin for not forgiving fast enough or completely enough.

This is evil. It protects abusers. It silences victims. It prioritizes the comfort of the one who sinned over the safety of the one who was sinned against. The church tells victims they need to forgive and move on while never holding the abuser accountable. Never demanding repentance. Never pursuing justice. Never protecting the vulnerable. That’s not biblical forgiveness. That’s enabling abuse in Jesus’ name.

Matthew 18:15-17 gives a process for dealing with sin in the church. Confront the person privately. If they don’t repent, bring witnesses. If they still don’t repent, tell the church. If they still refuse to repent, treat them as an unbeliever, meaning remove them from fellowship. Notice the pattern. Repentance is required. If someone refuses to repent, there are consequences. The church has abandoned this process and replaced it with “just forgive them and let it go.” That’s not what Jesus taught.

Forgiving the Unrepentant

So what do you do when someone sins against you and refuses to repent? You release bitterness. You entrust justice to God. You refuse to let hatred consume you. Romans 12:19 says, “Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: ‘It is mine to avenge; I will repay,’ says the Lord.” You give it to God. You don’t seek revenge. You don’t let bitterness destroy you. That’s what you’re required to do.

However, you’re not required to act like nothing happened. You’re not required to trust them. You’re not required to restore relationship. You’re not required to pretend they didn’t hurt you. You can release them to God and still set boundaries. You can let go of revenge and still pursue justice. You can refuse to be consumed by bitterness and still protect yourself from further harm.

This is where the church gets confused. They think releasing bitterness is the same as full reconciliation. It’s not. One deals with your heart. The other deals with relationship. You’re responsible for your heart. You’re not responsible for reconciling with someone who refuses to repent. That’s on them.

God’s Model of Forgiveness

People love to say, “God forgave you, so you have to forgive them.” However, they miss how God forgives. God doesn’t forgive unrepentant sinners. He offers forgiveness, but it’s received through repentance and faith. Acts 3:19 says, “Repent, then, and turn to God, so that your sins may be wiped out.” Repentance comes first. Then forgiveness. God doesn’t forgive people who refuse to repent. He sends them to hell. That’s the consequence of unrepentant sin.

God forgives immediately when we repent, but forgiveness doesn’t erase consequences. The Israelites wandered in the wilderness for forty years because of their rebellion. God forgave them, but they still faced the natural results of their sin. David was forgiven for his sin with Bathsheba, but the child still died. God’s forgiveness was complete, but the consequences remained. Greater sins often carry heavier consequences, even after forgiveness is granted. Forgiveness deals with your relationship with God. Consequences deal with the fallout of your choices.

If God’s forgiveness is conditional and doesn’t remove all consequences, why does the church demand that ours be unconditional and consequence-free? That’s not biblical. That’s not grace. That’s cheap forgiveness that costs the one who was wronged everything and costs the one who sinned nothing.

When Forgiveness Enables Sin

Cheap forgiveness enables sin. When you forgive someone who hasn’t repented, you can actually remove the discomfort that might lead them to repentance. You make it easy for them to keep sinning. They hurt you, you forgive them, nothing changes, they hurt you again. The cycle continues because there are no consequences. Your forgiveness becomes permission for them to keep sinning.

Proverbs 28:13 says, “Whoever conceals their sins does not prosper, but the one who confesses and renounces them finds mercy.” Notice both confession and renouncing are required. Repentance means turning away from sin. If someone keeps doing the same thing, they haven’t repented. They’ve just said words. True repentance produces change. If there’s no change, there’s no repentance. If there’s no repentance, you’re not obligated to forgive as if reconciliation has happened.

This doesn’t mean you withhold forgiveness to punish them. It means you recognize that forgiveness and reconciliation are two different things. You can release them in your heart while maintaining boundaries until they demonstrate genuine repentance through changed behavior.

Boundaries Are Not Unforgiveness

The church has convinced people that setting boundaries means you haven’t forgiven. That’s a lie. Boundaries protect you from ongoing harm. They’re wisdom, not bitterness. If someone repeatedly lies to you, you can forgive them and still verify what they say. If someone abused you, you can forgive them and still refuse contact. If someone betrayed you, you can forgive them and still end the relationship.

Proverbs 4:23 says, “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” Guarding your heart means protecting yourself from people who harm you. That’s not unforgiveness. That’s obedience. Jesus Himself set boundaries. He didn’t entrust Himself to people who didn’t believe (John 2:24-25). He withdrew from hostile crowds. He left towns that rejected Him. Setting boundaries isn’t unbiblical. It’s following Jesus’ example.

The people who demand you have no boundaries are usually the ones who benefit from you being unprotected. Abusers hate boundaries. Toxic people hate accountability. Manipulators hate consequences. They’ll use “you need to forgive me” as a weapon to remove any protection you put in place. Don’t fall for it. Forgiveness doesn’t require you to be a doormat.

The Cost of Real Forgiveness

Real forgiveness is costly. It means choosing not to seek revenge when you have every right to. It means releasing someone to God when you want justice now. It means letting go of bitterness even though the pain is real. It means trusting God to handle what you can’t. That’s hard. That’s sacrificial. That’s what Jesus did on the cross.

However, the cost of unforgiveness is higher. Bitterness destroys you. Hatred consumes you. Revenge never satisfies. Hebrews 12:15 warns, “See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.” Bitterness doesn’t just hurt you. It spreads. It poisons everything. You can’t afford to let it take root.

That’s why you forgive, not for their sake, but for yours. Not because they deserve it, but because you deserve to be free. Not because what they did was okay, but because holding onto it is killing you. Forgiveness releases you from the prison of bitterness. It doesn’t release them from the consequences of their sin. Those are God’s to enforce.

When Reconciliation Is Possible

Reconciliation is possible when there’s genuine repentance. When someone admits what they did, takes responsibility, asks for forgiveness, and demonstrates changed behavior over time, reconciliation can happen. That’s when trust can be rebuilt. That’s when relationship can be restored. That’s when forgiveness and reconciliation align.

Romans 12:18 says, “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” Notice the qualifier, if it is possible, as far as it depends on you. Reconciliation requires both people. If the other person refuses to repent, refuses to change, refuses to take responsibility, peace isn’t possible. You’ve done your part by being willing. Their refusal doesn’t make you unforgiving. It makes them unrepentant.

When reconciliation happens, it should be celebrated. Forgiveness has been extended. Repentance has been demonstrated. Relationship has been restored. That’s the goal. That’s what forgiveness is meant to produce when both parties do their part. However, when only one person is willing, reconciliation can’t happen. You can’t force someone to repent. You can only control your own heart.

Stop Weaponizing Forgiveness

The church needs to stop using forgiveness as a weapon against victims. Stop telling abuse survivors they have to reconcile with their abusers. Stop telling people they’re bitter because they set boundaries. Stop demanding immediate forgiveness regardless of repentance. Stop protecting sinners by pressuring the sinned-against to just let it go.

Start teaching what the Bible actually says. Forgiveness requires repentance. Trust requires time. Reconciliation requires both people. Boundaries are wisdom. Consequences are biblical. Justice matters. Protecting the vulnerable is more important than protecting the reputation of the one who hurt them.

The church that protects abusers and silences victims is not following Jesus. It’s betraying the wounded in His name. That needs to stop. Forgiveness is powerful and necessary, but it’s not a free pass for people to keep sinning. It’s not a weapon to use against those who’ve been hurt. It’s a gift offered to the repentant, and it comes with the expectation of changed lives.

Your Responsibility

Your responsibility is to release bitterness, entrust justice to God, and refuse to let hatred consume you. That’s what you owe. You don’t owe unconditional trust. You don’t owe relationship to someone who refuses to repent. You don’t owe them access to your life. You don’t owe them the pretense that nothing happened. You owe them the truth spoken in love, the offer of reconciliation if they repent, and the refusal to seek revenge.

If they repent, forgive them. Fully. Freely. As many times as it takes. If they refuse to repent, release them to God. Set boundaries. Protect yourself. Pursue justice if necessary. Refuse to let bitterness take root. You can do both. You can release them in your heart while refusing to let them hurt you again. That’s not unforgiveness. That’s wisdom.

Stop letting people manipulate you with twisted teachings on forgiveness. Stop letting abusers hide behind “you have to forgive me.” Stop carrying guilt for setting boundaries with toxic people. You’re not sinning by protecting yourself. You’re obeying God by guarding your heart.

Forgive as You’ve Been Forgiven

Ephesians 4:32 says, “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” Forgive as you’ve been forgiven. How were you forgiven? Through repentance. Through faith. Through the blood of Jesus. God didn’t forgive you while you were actively rebelling. He called you to repentance. When you responded, He forgave. That’s the model.

Offer forgiveness to those who repent. Withhold reconciliation from those who don’t. Release bitterness regardless. Entrust justice to God always. Set boundaries as needed. Pursue reconciliation when possible. Protect yourself when necessary. That’s biblical forgiveness. It’s not easy. It’s not cheap. It’s not unconditional. It’s costly, powerful, and it requires both parties to do their part.

You can’t control whether someone repents. You can only control your own heart. Forgive as far as you’re able. Release what you can’t control. Trust God with the rest. He’s a far better judge than you’ll ever be, and His justice is perfect. Let Him handle it while you focus on keeping your own heart free from bitterness.

That’s biblical forgiveness. Not the cheap version the church teaches. The real thing. Hard, costly, and worth it.

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About PM Kimbler

PM Kimbler is a Christian conservative author, speaker, and former congressional candidate (California’s 36th District, 2020 primary). She is the founder of BeaconLight Press and writes unapologetically about faith, culture, and politics from a biblical worldview. Her mission is to challenge Christians to live without compromise in a world that demands it. Connect with her at pmkimbler.com.

External Resources

For Scripture references mentioned in this article, visit Bible Gateway.

Biblical Forgiveness